Dear Former Self,
You’re going to go through some pretty ugly stuff in life. From the time you’re conceived, you will not know to whom you belong (father-wise). The man you think is your father will turn out not to be, and he will hurt you physically and mentally, and you will wonder what you could have possibly done to deserve it. You are just a wee child. You don’t deserve any of it.
There will be times with your mom that you won’t understand. Why is she acting like that? How can she say that? WHY does she DO that? You will fantasize that you are adopted, even kidnapped from your real mom. Just know that while she doesn’t change, you do. You will tune it out the best way you can, escaping to the fictional world. And you will decide that you will be a different kind of mother one day.
One day comes too soon when you meet him, the boy who will become your first husband. He will woo you and treat you with all the love you are sure you do deserve. But your desperation to feel loved will cause you to ignore other things, hurtful things, and one day you will get pregnant and it will be too late to get away. You will spend years feeling scared and trapped and like a failure.
By the time you’re 22, all of this past pain will come to an end. At least, that’s how it will appear. But the truth is, it will stick with you for much longer. The physical pains may be over, but the mental and emotional hurting will go on. You will try to bury it, to push it down, but it won’t stay down. It comes back again and again until you deal with it.
But here’s the thing: You WILL deal with it. You will take it out, mull it over, flesh it out, close it, open it, shove it, kick it, hug it and hold it. You will deal with it and you will be stronger than you ever have been before. You are not the person you were. You never deserved to be hurt. You are beautiful and wonderful and amazing. You are kind and giving and you don’t ever try to hurt people the way you’ve been hurt. You have come out of that mess doing all right for yourself. Your life NOW is beautiful. And I’m sorry you had to go through all that hurt to get to today, but here you are, a strong and beautiful person.
I’m proud of you. I love you.
Your Present Self