Trigger Warning * Violence * Language * Sexual Content
Making Nate wait for me was wrong. I realized that after he left. He loved me and treated me like a queen, and yet I kept from him the one thing he wanted and needed so much.
It didn’t take me long to forgive him. I wouldn’t forgive her, the girl he slept with, because I hated her. She knew he was my boyfriend. She wanted him anyway, and he was weak, and she took advantage of that. The best revenge was that he came back to me. He didn’t want her. She was nothing to him.
“I’ll never hurt you again, baby,” he said, holding me, saying all the right things, exactly what I needed to hear.
I vowed then it would be soon, the big moment, the letting go of the one thing I had that I could give him. I didn’t want this kind of hurt again. I wanted to make him happy, always happy with me. I’d do whatever I had to do to keep him with me, loving me.
When soon arrived, we were sitting in the back of my grandmother’s conversion van as she drove us to her favorite fast-food restaurant. He leaned over and whispered to me, “Can tonight be the night?”
I wasn’t ready. I really wasn’t ready. I may have made a deal with myself to give in soon, but not this soon. My grandmother glanced as us through the rearview mirror, sneered a bit, and then looked away. She hated Nate. Even in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, she was still with us enough to have her own strong opinion, and though she didn’t always voice it, her looks spoke volumes.
“Tonight?” I asked, stalling for time.
The look on his face seemed to say I’d hate to have to break up with you.
“I’ll be gentle,” he said. “I won’t hurt you.”
Stop talking now. I’m not ready. No. No no no.
“I won’t hurt you. I’ll be slow and take care of you,” he said.
Grandma’s eyes were still on the road as we neared the restaurant. Nothing was right about this moment. Who wants their first time to be planned out in the back of their grandmother’s van…with her sitting right there?
Will you be faithful to me? Will you love me forever?
“Ok,” I said, and wanted to snatch those words back immediately.
“You promise?” he asked. “You never break your promises.”
I nodded once. “I promise.”
Grandma ordered our burgers for us and headed home, and when we arrived, she left us in the van to eat.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you, too.” I felt way too sick to my stomach to even pretend to eat my burger.
“I can make it easier for you.” He took my hand and placed it high on his inner thigh. I pulled back a little as if I had been burned, but he held my hand in place. “Now I’m going to move closer now.”
My face burned crimson. I never imagined it like this. I liked kissing Nate, but this was too far.
“Right here. You feel that? That’s how bad I want you, baby,” he said.
I wasn’t naïve. I knew what sex was; I knew what it meant for a man to be turned on. And now I knew what it meant when a man says he has to have it – he’ll go get it somewhere else if he can’t get it from you.
“I want you, too,” I said, knowing he would want to hear me say it.
“Every time we sleep together, I just watch you and wish I could have you.”
Mom had let him move in recently because his own stepmom had kicked him out. Even though she charged him rent to sleep on the couch, he never stayed there. It didn’t seem to bother her much because Mom said she trusted me, that she trusted us, and a small part of me really cared about her opinion of me. I was a good girl. She knew I wanted to wait for marriage. But maybe I’d marry Nate. Maybe it would work out and mean the same thing. Besides, I cared what he thought of me more than what she thought.
Still holding my hand in place, he let out a hiss, and I realized his eyes were closed. He looked happy. I made him happy. If having sex with Nate, even if I didn’t want to, meant he’d be happy and keep loving me, it was worth it.
Now I just needed to figure out how to make the rest of the day last forever.
About Angela Giles Klocke – I’m a Colorado-based speaker, writer, advocate, and princess! I am also a survivor of child abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, and more. I would love to speak to your group, school, or organization. Catch my TEDx Colorado Springs Talk on abuse, violence, and talking about uncomfortable topics, coming soon. Contact me!