Trigger Warning * Violence * Language * Sexual Content
Had someone told me when I was 12 that I’d be lying in the dark in my own bedroom a year later about to have sex for the first time, I wouldn’t have believed them. Everything I knew about sex was tainted, bad, painful.
As unreal as it was, Nate was hovering over me, whispering to me, and I could hear every sound – the crickets, the cars passing by, his breathing – and yet I could hear nothing.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
My clothes were already off. That was as ready as I could be. Mentally, I almost wished we had stayed broken up when he cheated. Physically, I just wanted him to finish and be done with it.
“What about protection?” I asked, suddenly realizing we hadn’t talked about it.
“You should have had your mom put you on the pill. She has to know we’re going to do this, right? I don’t wear condoms.”
“I don’t want to get pregnant!” I said, panicking.
“It’s ok, I’ll pull out,” he explained, not really explaining anything at all. I didn’t ask what he meant and how that was supposed to work. “I’ll go slow. If it hurts, you tell me.”
He pushed his body down on me.
“No! I can’t.” I pushed up on him, straining against him. I could change my mind. There was nothing wrong with that. People changed their minds all the time. “I don’t want to…”
“I love you…and you promised,” he said, pushing down again, overpowering me. “I won’t hurt you. I said I won’t hurt you. Please. I don’t think I can go back.”
Two years before, my older brother whispered similar words to me in the night, attempting at first to convince me to let him have sex with me, then later trying to overpower me. I fought him off until help arrived, but I couldn’t shake that memory, especially now. But Nate wasn’t my brother and this was different.
I shoved him once more, but then melted in his words. I did promise. I did say I would. I couldn’t break my promise. That’s not the kind of person I am.
I’m also not the kind of person to have sex.
As soon as I stopped resisting, he pushed himself down and into me. I wrapped my arms around him, unsure of what to do, and simply lay there.
Thirty seconds and a million years later, it was over. He panted over me, gushing how much he loved me.
That’s it? This was the big moment? If this was it, I was obviously missing the point. All that anxiety, stress, and cheating over…that? It hurt, and I was glad it was over so fast, but I also expected something more.
I felt dirty. I didn’t want to do this and I did it anyway. I was covered in him, his sweat and his semen, but I felt worse inside. I couldn’t understand the big hurry to have sex if this is what it felt like – shameful, dirty.
“Thank you,” he whispered, settling himself beside me. Contentment, then, knowing he was happy. I imagined he was smiling in the dark, loving me.
“I can’t wait until the next time. I always wanted a virgin. My little virgin. Whoops! Not anymore!”
I laughed, not sure what else to do. “I saved myself for you,” I said, curling into him. I, on the other hand, could wait for the next time. In fact, I hadn’t even thought that we’d have to do this again.
“I love you.”
“Me, too,” he whispered, and was snoring softly within moments.
After what seemed like hours, I finally fell asleep too, and morning came too soon. Rather, Nate woke too early and then woke me.
“Hey, baby. Wake up… There’s no blood.”
I rubbed my eyes. “What are you talking about?” I could barely see; the morning was just breaking and the sun hardly reached my room.
“There’s no blood. Not on you, not on me, not on the bed.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You said you were a virgin. Virgins bleed their first time. My dad says all virgins bleed and if they don’t bleed, they weren’t really a virgin.”
“I am…was a virgin!”
“Explain why you didn’t bleed, then.”
There wasn’t an explanation. I didn’t have one because I didn’t know why. Frankly, I thought virgins always bled, too. I’d heard the term “popped her cherry” often enough to ask what it meant.
“Are you lying to me?”
“I’m not, I promise. I’ve never had sex before.”
“I hope you wouldn’t lie to me. I hope you know you could trust me with any secrets you have. I love you and would understand,” he said, stroking my hair.
I started to cry. I was a virgin. I knew I was a virgin and I knew I had never had sex, but I could tell he didn’t believe me.
“Don’t cry. I’m sure it’s something you just don’t remember,” he said, intent on believing I was not what I claimed to be. “It’s ok. I still love you and I still want you.”
With that, he pressed against me again. Already? It felt like I opened a door that could never be shut again. And I didn’t have a reason to say no now. The big moment had come and gone, and with it went what felt to me like the passing of my childhood.
About Angela Giles Klocke – I’m a Colorado-based speaker, writer, advocate, and princess! I am also a survivor of child abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, and more. I would love to speak to your group, school, or organization. Catch my TEDx Colorado Springs Talk on abuse, violence, and talking about uncomfortable topics, coming soon. Contact me!