you know you have healed.”
I keep seeing this quote posted everywhere and I believe it offers a sense of security where one should not be. Not crying doesn’t equate to being healed. In fact, more often than not, not crying can mean we’re still bottling up our pain, shoving it down, pretending nothing bad happened.
I told my story in person for over a decade without shedding a tear.
“You don’t look like you’re very upset,” one friend said to me only days after my ex-husband died. I was sharing what happened and I wasn’t crying. She expected something different, something more dramatic. I was in shock. I wasn’t performing to her standard of what grief should look like. She walked away and I never saw her again.
Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be reacting, or that no tears means you are all healed. The goal IS healing, of course, but we want real, true healing, not quotable healing. You can’t fake it, not forever. That’s the same as shoving it down. Eventually, it all comes up.
For me, I know I’m on the road to healing because I DO cry when I share my story. Not always, and not always in the moment, but my story moves me now. I feel it. I accept it. I give myself permission to grieve where once I pretended all was fine.
Tears are OK. Emotions are OK. Someone else telling you HOW to go about your healing is NOT OK.